Your Guide To NBA All-Star Weekend

all star


The weekend is here, folks.  The celebrities, the stars, the glitz, glam and the groupies.  NBA All-Star weekend is back!  The Big Easy is sure to be an absolutely wild-time this weekend, so strap up.  The Pick and Pop is here to guide you along the way.

Here’s What Will Happen In The Sprint Celebrity All-Star Game:

1)  Kevin Hart will talk. A lot.  He will also win MVP with the staggering stat line of 5 points, 1 rebound, 0 assists, 1 block that was actually a foul and 45069 words spoken.

2)  Michael B. Jordan may not be as good as we all want him to be and that SCARES me.

3)  Arne Duncan is going to try harder than everyone else and nail several mid-range jumpers from the corner.  Book it.

4)  Luckily we won’t have to deal with any of this chicanery this year:

 Here’s What Will Happen In The BBVA Compass Rising Stars Challenge:

rising stars roster

1) Anthony Bennett probably won’t be watching it on TV.

2) Grant Hill will employ an entirely different coaching strategy than Chris Webber.  Also, someone will definitely make a joke about timeout usage.  Because, LOL, Michigan.

3) Anthony Davis is the best player in the game. He’s the lone bright spot on C-Webb’s team full of mainly rookies. Grant Hill clearly has the deeper roster as Damien Lillard, Bradley Beal, Harrison Barnes, and Andre Drummond are the next best players in this game, in no particular order.

4) I’ll be honest, I’m worried about this group of kids out in the clubs. It’s hard to be young, rich and essentially trapped in a web of groupies.  Wait, no, actually it isn’t.  What am I talking about?

 Here’s What Will Happen In The Sears Shooting Stars Competition:

shooting stars

1) I won’t be able to explain how these teams were compiled.

2) The Currys will win because this is, quite literally, what they were built to do.  Unfortunately, Tim Hardaway Sr. will subsequently take things too seriously to an almost uncomfortable degree.

3) Karl Malone is such a wildcard that I can’t even begin to fathom what he is capable of out there.

 Here’s What Will Happen In The Taco Bell Skills Challenge:

1) The debut of the Greek Freak.  Aside from some ESPN spotlights and occasional Top-10 plays, Giannis Ante-whatever has been a virtual unknown.  I mean, unless you tortured yourself watching the Bucks on League Pass. With all that potential, it will be nice to see his skills on display.

2) As always, hitting that top of the key jumper is the most important thing in this competition.  Sorry, Michael Carter-Williams.

3) I would predict Damian Lillard to win, but fatigue/lack of interest may set in and his focus may not be on this competition with the Three-Point/Dunk Contest looming.  Goran Dragic is my next best bet.

Here’s What Will Happen In The Foot Locker Three Point Contest:

1) Kyle Korver isn’t in the competition.  The last time Kyle Korver didn’t hit a three-point shot in an NBA game, you were 1.5 years younger than you are now.  Let that marinate.

2) I think Kevin Love is going to be the “guy that you expect to do well, but does so badly that it becomes awkward” this year.  Too much of a catch and shoot guy.

3) I expect the unsung guys to make some noise (Aaron Afflalo and Marco Bellinelli) and possibly upset the big guns.

4) Steph Curry should win, but I’m not counting out the defending champ, Kyrie Irving, either.  Lillard can sneak into the running depending on if he mails in the Skills Competition.

Here’s What Will Won’t Happen In The Sprite Slam Dunk Contest:

Here’s What Will Happen In The Sprite Slam Dunk Contest:

sprite slam dunk

1) Damien Lillard might pass out before we even get here, so he’s a tentative participant.

2) Be aware, there are new rules.  Instead of an every-man-for-themselves dunkathon, the dunkers are put on two teams that compete against each other to determine a winner.

3) The first round is called a “freestyle” competition where the dunkers on each squad have 90 seconds to pack in as many dunks as possible.  This probably won’t go well and will be a big ball of chaos.

4) The second round is a battle round.  Think Hunger Games, but with dunking.  Actually it’s not like that at all.  There will be a series of head-to-head battles that will take place until one of the teams wins three battles.

5) The East is stacked.

6) Although Ben McLemore did do this:

Here’s What Will Happen In The 63rd NBA All-Star Game:

all star rosters

1) This one is going to be lots and lots of fun.

2) On the surface, the Western Conference All-Stars outclass and over match the East All-Stars, but let’s not forget that these games are won in the 4th quarter.  Like literally the last 3 minutes of the 4th quarter.  It will be LeBron vs. Kevin Durant for bragging rights in the last 180 seconds of action.

3) Kobe will be there and he will be talking a ton of trash to LeBron.  That’s just what he does.

4) The first quarter will exclusively be about getting rid of hangovers, dunking and throwing off-target alley-oop passes.

5) Frank Vogel will be very upset at most of the things that are transpiring.

6) Joakim Noah might not talk to a single person on his team in the entire game.

7) The ‘Brow’s pre-game ceremonies speech might be more important than the game itself.

BONUS – Here’s What Will Happen Off The Court:

all star parties

1) Parties like these are going to happen and players like Tyreke Evans (not listed on any All-Star festivities, but plays for the New Orleans Hornets) will probably get into some shenanigans.

2) Groupie City.  Lots of riff-raff and scallywags from all over the country will be in attendance trying to get pregnant by an NBA players.  Some will succeed, all will try.

3) Random bros will be looking for riff-raff trail off.  That means there will be a lot of disappointed and severely drunk males roaming the streets of New Orleans.  Be safe.

4) JR Smith is going to be involved in something bad.  I just know it.


Leave a Reply